If I asked you, what is the most difficult conversation to have within a relationship, the answer would most likely be…
Why? In my experience, it’s because money is such an emotionally charged subject.
Money can often become the “third wheel” in relationships because it takes on the identity given by the person in charge of the money. So, if there are two people giving money a job, money has two different identities. Most often, those identities do not agree with each other. Hence, the conflict.
Mostly, people are either spenders or savers. As such, their money is either spent or saved. Money does not do anything without direction. In our society, we treat money as if it has its own thought process and its own sense of direction. Because we don’t pay attention, our money just goes to “wherever” and then, one day, we stop and think, Where did our money go?
Not being accountable to our spending habits also creates conflict.
I asked my Facebook friends for some examples of conflict, given the title of this post:
When my husband and I first got married.
He would pay all his personal bills first.
And we would be late on our household bills.
When you are single and work and married friends that don’t work don’t understand that cannot just “blow and go” as they do.
Being friends with the Jones’ is good as long as you’re not pressured to keep up with them.
When she sees the vision of living like no one else, so you can live like no one else. But he believes having a car payment is normal and needed until death!
When your husband buries his head in the sand and doesn’t pay the bills until they are disconnect = conflict.
I let my ex-husband handle all the finances. I didn’t want to know anything. Then I found out that his car payment was so high that he was paying our mortgage one month, car payment the following month….and so on.
Not setting clear boundaries when lending money to friends and family.
When one person is responsible with bills and money and the other person has a problem with paying bills and impulsive spending.
When your boss is clueless about expenses and making budget, but you are responsible for keeping records and making the numbers balance.
Budgets as a weapon. Differences in spending (ie: a spender and a saver), all of it (budgets etc). making more sense/working more for one of the people “the nerd/“the free spirit”. Releasing control, trust. Accountability.
Do any of these resonate with you?
I have to say, I was not surprised by the responses – my husband and I have experienced some of these. I have helped many couples through many of these conflicts. Sadly, I have seen family relationships strained, friendships lost and marriages end because of some of these issues.
So what’s the solution?
Generally speaking, it comes down to three things:
1. Working through your own personal money issues (mindset reset)
2. Doing an overhaul of your financial situation. This INCLUDES knowing all the income and all the outgo that happens on a monthly basis as well as the list of debts you have.
Write them down, create a budget a get a system in place to pay all bills on time, every time.
3. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. You MUST talk to, write emails, use text messaging, handwritten notes, smoke signals or carrier pigeon to discuss money issues. That alone, will solve most of these issues.
This quote is perhaps the most appropriate for this post –
When it comes to managing money, you must work together. Even if you are a single person, you need to have a good relationship with your money and an accountability partner.
In marriage, there is a difference between “money issues” and “marriage?commitment issues”. Often, they go together, but if one spouse is absolutely not willing to work with the other on coming up with an agreed upon plan to manage the money, that’s a marriage/commitment issue.
Do you have a solution that worked for you in working out a money issue? I’d love to hear about it and might even include it in a post!
Email me at MelissatheCoach@gmail.com
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Mid month budget review for November should be DONE
Christmas budget should be DONE
2018 financial goals would be written down ( i.e brainstorming session)
Next week’s post will be on shopping preparations for the Holidays – you should have a plan for:
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